Ain't Over Yet

cayden's appetite is back! it's so good to hear him say "ah, ah, ah" (asking for another bite =D) again. his milk intake is also improving, probably consuming 2/3 of what he used to.

but just when we thought we're on the road to recovery, we hit another bump. well, i've been unwell too. been coughing hard and have a really nasty cold (had them before cayden was admitted in hospital and mingled with the 2 swine flu patients). i lost my voice and got it back a week after.

after 2 weeks of coughing, my left side started to ache. like i cant lie on that side and coughing has become very very painful. to top it all, i noticed some chicken pox-like spots on cayden's body. we went to our GP last monday and lo and behold, she said i've been wheezing like mad! she gave me some antibiotics (amoxycillin) and a puffer (ventolin evohaler), both she said are safe for pregnant ladies. she signed me off work for a week, which she can extend if my condition doesnt improve. fortunately, this is my 3rd day of treatment and my condition is improving. i havent been coughing as much and breathing is not as difficult.

my current bestfriend!

she also confirmed that cayden has chicken pox. he was given a calamine lotion to help with the itch. he was told not to go anywhere for a week (obviously!). he's ok. no fever or whatever the other symptoms are. he just itches from time to time.

maybe these are all blessings in disguise. all these happening before kian is born (you know how fragile newborns are!). and also, me being signed off work for a week. i dont really know how we would have coped because i dont have any annual leaves left and i have to stay home to look after cayden.

hopefully, though, this is the end of our bumpy health road. looking forward to nicer things in february!

Time To Panic?

on my phone:

gosh, in 33 days (and in a few minutes, 32 days!), kian will be with us, that is, if he pops out on his due date! if he's like his older brother, then it's another week. but heck, there's not much time left and we still have a lot of things to do!!! but what if he decides to come out early? my midwife tells me it will be quicker this time as i havent given birth with cayden that long ago. uh-oh!!!

our bedroom is still not ready. not even the initial project tantan has started (the hallways - up and down). our house is small (with only 3 bedrooms) and all rooms are occupied already. cayden's room is the smallest so we cant put the 2 boys in there. since kian will be breastfeeding, he'll stay in our room first until we can buy a bigger house, budget and mortgage deals permitting.

tantan has really been very busy with school projects (2 written reports to be submitted and 1 oral to prepare for in the new year) and the fact that this family has been plagued with sickness.

on top of that, i havent even brought out cayden's baby clothes that kian will use. i have an idea of where they are but obviously, they have to be laundered and ironed, prior, ready to be used. i havent even prepared my hospital bag yet!!!! i wanted to wait till our room is ready before i bring the clothes out but i guess, i cant wait for that any longer. i will have to do it real soon!

and lastly, we need to disinfect the whole house! oh my god, i need my mom! but she wont be back till the 30th of january. im so overwhelmed with all the tasks that i need to do but we've been set back by unforeseen things. hopefully, i will regain my composure and get everything ready before kian pops out.

On Sale

we havent really bought kian much. cayden has lots of things (clothes, toys, shoes, etc) that will be passed on to kian when he's born and most of them were only used a few times and still in mint condition. i think that's the greatest advantage of having a second boy, with only a few months between them.

but i couldnt resist buying a few items for kian. the funny thing is, these two were bought way too early for him to use! lol

they were on sale, better than half price. now tell me that isnt a wise decision? yeah, yeah, they might go on sale again, just in time for him to use. but usually, it's not the same style/design. so why wait if you can buy them now? (a shopaholic's excuse!)

the shoes, i was very tempted to let cayden use first because it fits him perfectly now. but decided not to, i bought him something similar already (which might not last for kian anyway bec cayden's very mobile now and running all over) and kian deserves to have a few new things for himself.

good thing, i have tantan's permission. who could resist a good bargain?

Being A Mom

shared by gracie:

We are sitting at lunch one day when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family."

"We're taking a survey," she says half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?"

"It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral.

"I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations."

But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes.

I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable.

I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking, "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.

I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a soufflé or her best crystal without a moment's hesitation.

I feel that I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood.

She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think of her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right.

I want my daughter to know that every day decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester be lurking in that restroom.

However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother.

Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give herself up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years, not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs.

I want her to k now that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor. 

My daughter's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child. I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic.

I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving.

I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time.

TRY NOT TO CRY....

I want her to taste the joy that is so real it actually hurts. 

My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. "You'll never regret it," I finally say. Then I reached across the table, squeezed my daughter's hand and offered a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings.

Birthing Gift

i have been very depressed and stressed lately, what with all the sickness this family has to go through. to top it all, it has to happen during the supposed happiest season of the year! 

these cheered me up in a major major way (me pagka materialistic no? lol). tantan used to be very galante but since we got married, he became more practical. we i can still buy whatever we i want but it has to be justified all the time. 

i thank you for going out of your way to buy me something very expensive that i know you'll think about for months (joke!) lol. i love you too! you're the best dad, husband and friend ever! =D

Not So Merry Christmas (and New Year)

we knew cayden was teething. his molars were erupting. yes, all 4 of them! so we kinda expected the drooling, things in his mouth and the diarrhea.

23 december - really bad diarrhea started. we changed his nappy about 8-10x that day
24 december:
- i texted tantan and told him cayden vomitted (but bec he was coughing too hard) and that i've been changing his nappy 1-2x PER HOUR!

- around 5pm, cayden developed a fever. it was around 38.4. i gave him paracetamol and when the fever didnt go down a notch, gave him ibuprofen.

- we've also stripped him to his shirt and shorts (he was wearing sweats and socks) and started giving him a sponge bath

- around 8pm, my greatest fear happened: he had another convulsion. i was carrying him so i put him down on the floor, into the recovery position. even if it's my worst nightmare, it wasnt as bad as the first one. i was calmer. it didnt last as long. i asked tantan to phone 999 (emergency number) to ask for an ambulance. it took the first medics (in a regular car) about 10mins to get to us bec it was christmas eve and they were very busy.

they checked cayden over - temp was 39.2. sugar was normal though. he was not conscious. we didnt know if he was just lethargic or asleep. they gave him a whiff of oxygen and a few minutes later, a proper ambulance arrived.

- we were at the hospital around 8:30pm. as it's febrile convulsion, they didnt think much of it. we were given a pot to catch his wee (to check for any infection). cayden was given another dose of paracetamol. he was coughing but still breathing ok (stats were ok too)

- around 10pm, we were asked to go up to the pediatric assessment unit where they assess each case (whether to be admitted or sent home). we were watching the clock above the door and counting the hours (there goes noche buena!)

waiting to be seen by a doctor

- we were finally seen at 1:15am and sent home at 1:30am.

25 december:
- cayden still had fever. it will go down when the meds were taking effect but as they wore off, the temp will shoot up again (see-saw bet 37.8 - 39.9).

- breathing was also getting worse: raspy, grunting sound, very laboured

- around 3:30pm, we decided to bring him back to the pediatric assessment unit. the consultant saw him at around 5:30 and was told cayden has a chest infection. they also wanted to check for swine flu so cayden was swabbed. we're told to wait for the tamiflu, which the on-call pharmacist will prepare.

since we were in a hospital, we didnt pack any meds with us. we thought the hospital will administer them. so when it's time for cayden to have his meds, we would go up to the nurses' station and tell them it's time. it will take them 30mins to 1hour before they will respond (so frustrating and annoying!)

cheeks all flushed - very high temp!
the ward gave him a gift bec it was christmas and he was in hospital. boo!

- around 9:30pm, tantan got fed up of waiting for the tamiflu (which will be given as a precaution, even if they're not sure cayden has the swine flu yet. results will be out monday night, we're told) so he asked the nurse if we can go home and tantan will just come back for the meds an hour or two later. cayden was really uncomfortable.

- around 11pm, tantan went back to the hospital to get the tamiflu.

26-27 december: fever not going away. bad diarrhea. cayden stopped eating and drinking milk/juice/water. i had to force him to at least drink his milk by giving it to him through a syringe. breathing getting a lot worse

28 december
- couldnt take it anymore, we brought cayden to the out of hours service (the gp surgeries are still closed bec it was bank holiday). we didnt want to bring him to the pediatric assessment unit bec (1) we'll just be wasting our time and (2) we didnt really feel we're welcome. it's like we're wasting their time

at the OOHS, only nurses look at the patients. the senior nurse listened to his breathing and we're told cayden is not getting his entire lungs filled up. we had to go back to the pediatric assessment unit, much to our dismay.

- we got there around 1:30pm. the nurse we saw last time was on duty and she even commented, "oh, you're back". i would have gladly slapped her face if only i wasnt too concerned with the level of care they might give (or not) to cayden.

we were told cayden has no swine flu but he definitely has chest infection - bacterial or viral, they're not so sure. there were only 2 doctors there: a resident and a locum from glasgow. i was secretly hoping not to see the locum bec he was timid and he always had to ask the resident what to do. but i was happy that we got him in the end bec he was willing to follow my requests: inhaler or nebuliser to help cayden breathe. suppository to help bring the fever down faster (wasnt given though bec cayden just had his oral meds). he also requested for blood tests and xray. they confirmed that cayden has the RSVirus which led to bronchiolitis. they said they're gonna give him antibiotics bec it might be a bacterial infection superimposed on a viral infection. again, the wait for the concoction continued...

- around 8:30pm, i went to the nurses's station telling them that cayden has really been lethargic and wasnt himself at all the whole day. the asst nurse reluctantly went to where we were and they connected the stats machine to check for heart rate and o2 level. temp was also taken (it was 39.9!) and she just said, no wonder he's lethargic, he's got high fever, (the way she said it, like it's not dangerously high!!!!) the heart rate was too high (around 180 - normal was 140) and the o2 level too low (around 87-90 - normal was 100). he was given a whiff of oxygen and from then, his breathing seemed to improve. we also noticed that his nails were turning pink again (earlier, i asked tantan if cayden's toenails looked normal, it was a bit gray-ish. he thought it was normal and cayden was just cold - we thought wrong!!! there wasnt much o2 circulating)

- we were admitted and was trasferred to the next room. didnt sleep at all! cayden was fussy and kept on taking off the monitor on his big toe. plus, he didnt want the oxygen mask at all. they had to increase the flow so the mask didnt have to be very close to his nose to help him breathe.

- the next morning, we were so annoyed! we couldnt wait to get out of hospital. in the ward we're in, there were 3 other kids. 2 of them have swine flu!!!! we only found out when the doctor made his rounds and we overheard their prognosis. i went to the station and asked the nurses if we can go home. they checked cayden's stats, heart rate and o2 level stabilised over night. we were ok'd to go home. i asked them why we were put in a ward where there were cases of swine flu. they said cayden was on tamiflu anyway. i told them we stopped giving him tamiflu bec he doesnt have the symptoms and the side effects were really bad (and they know about it!) and what about us?? we were exposed too - me, being pregnant at that!

i would have liked to stay longer, for cayden's sake but i didnt think it's safe for all of us to be there. especially since the two kids were coughing hard all the time!!!!
---------------------------
2 january - all meds stopped. this was also the day cayden's fever went altogether (thank god!).

he is still coughing really hard, sometimes making him vomit but he's a lot better than he was. his breathing is starting to improve. he's starting to play again. the only thing i wish will go back to normal soon is his appetite. we're giving him vitamins. he would only take a bite or two each meal so i try to feed him very frequently. his fluid intake is still a third of what he normally consumes. but i know, soon he'll be all better!

i'd say, i hoped we were in the philippines when all this happened. i know we would have to pay for the health service but at least, cayden's illness wouldnt have lasted this long! intervention would have been given from the word go. but the fact is, we weren't there.

so far, we havent exhibited any symptoms of swine flu. it's been a week since we've all been exposed. i am slowly getting my voice back (still has a bad cold and cough - in fairness, had them before going into hospital). tantan's coughing but not as bad as me and cayden. we're hoping we'll all be fully recovered for when i go back to work next week and cayden goes back to nursery.

here's keeping our fingers crossed!